Back in NYC, after a week with the old Tibetan Master.
The city’s not a problem. My painful brain is.
The transition from the quiet retreat place to New York was easy: I’m getting used to changing contexts all the time.
But my mind keeps malfunctioning. That’s the difficult part.
My brain is a pain.
It’s like a problem dog: I have to keep it completely busy all the time.
If I don’t, it starts chewing on everything, sometimes it gets anxious and it attacks me.
It keeps asking questions, in the back of my head, all the time:
– What the hell are we doing here?
– Is there something happening after we die, or is just like a bulb that blinks out?
– What’s the meaning of life, other than trying to impress your fellow humans?
These questions are meant to be disposed at adulthood, normally.
I guess most people manage to get rid of that psycho babble in their 20’s. At worst, they choose to worry about something more accessible, like getting a raise or taking care of their kids.
Kudos to those who phased out the fundamental questioning, I couldn’t.
And even when I tried, my mind didn’t obey me: it kept chewing on hard thoughts. Death for instance, that’s its favorite toy.
I wish I could shut down the goddamn thing, sometimes, put it to sleep.
I would just grab a can of beer, watch some moronic sports game, get passionate about imbeciles chasing a ball. Forget about everything.
Or I would just believe in GOD – Who created everything, the animals, walmarts, earthquakes and all that junk. Wouldn’t that be nice?
. All I would have to do is adore this son-of-a-bitch.
No, seriously, my mind is just too young to settle with anything
BTW, In my last post (link), I claimed I would talk about finding a spirituality with the TV on.
That was a total lie: I don’t think that you can find a spirituality until you turn the goddamn thing off.